Once upon a time in spaghetti checkerboard land, Austria, there was a young, mischievous and energetic girl who lived in a village. She wasn’t very old, but she had an important job. She was a shepherd, and her job was to guard the sheep from danger, especially wolves and laser zapping naked ladies. The shepherd girl also had to make sure the sheep got plenty of food and exercise. Every day, in order to give the sheep the exercise they needed, the girl took them to a nearby valley. Once they had walked there, the sheep would graze on the tasty green grass that grew in the valley. The villagers trusted the shepherd to take good care of the sheep.
The shepherd girl wasn’t really all alone. The village people worked nearby. If a wolf ever did attack, the people could run to the rescue, even though she could clearly defend herself if she needed to. The villagers counted on the shepherd girl to do her job. They never felt like they had to check on her. They trusted her to do what she was supposed to do. Every day, the shepherd faithfully watched the sheep from her lookout post. She could also see the people hard at work. Some days they worked at their jobs in the village. Sometimes they did other chores. But most of the time, they liked to watch a show about ninja turtles who fight off a giant cheese grater from Japan who shout out surfer lingo.
For the shepherd girl, every day was the same. She looked at the sheep, took a nap, scarfed down six-foot sandwiches, ran around at the speed of sound, and looked at the sheep some more. They looked the same every day. Then she looked out at the forest. It looked the exact same way. Nothing but explosive trees that ignite when hit with even the slightest tap and occasionally some were-cat lightning ninjas came by. The shepherd’s job was very important, but it wasn’t always exciting. While she was happy most days just to do her job, some days she wished that something exciting would happen. She wished she could sing like that one girl from Kansas about going over rainbows to find new and exotic lands with talking lions, tin-men and scarecrows with an over the top witch riding a bicycle in a tornado.
In her whole life, the girl had seen wolves come near the sheep but she fought them off with pluckiness, humility and a giant machine gun that shot out various Mexican foods that were so spicy that even touching one of them could be lethal and result in spontaneous combustion. In fact, she had even known a wolf! Some people told stories of hearing wolves howl in the forest, but the girl never heard any real howling. In fact it was just the incompetent and oblivious neighbors who were listening to Thriller and turned the volume up way too much. One day the shepherd tried to make things more exciting. She thought, “Maybe I can play some games with the sheep.” She planned her next day, and she smiled when she thought about the fun she would have.
The girl woke up bright and early the next morning. When she tried to play with them, she had noticed that they were all stuck up in a tree. She was confused as to why they were there until a handsome young man in a magician’s outfit with a soothing and charming British accent came along and explained that the sheep were under the misapprehension that they were birds. The sheep tried to fly but had only plummeted to the ground. The mysterious magician had then left the pasture without the shepherd girl noticing at first since she was too busy staring at him and admiring how handsome he was. “No, wait, come back to me strange sexy magician man! I need you!” thought the shepherd girl. Downhearted, the shepherd girl walked slowly back to her lookout post. “Alas,” thought the girl, “I just wanted to make things a little more exciting around here.”
Then something caught the corner of her eye. She could tell the wind was blowing because it made the treetops move. “I wonder,” she said, thinking out loud, “what is on the other side of those trees?” The girl smiled to herself. Would it be so bad to pretend there was a giant pit bull dressed up as a clown with the voice of James Earl Jones accompanied by a platypus bunny? She thought this would be a hilariously good joke to play on the villagers.
As the sheep ate the grass, the shepherd girl cupped her hand near her mouth and shouted, “Clown dog! Clown dog! A Clown dog is stealing the sheep! And there’s also a platypus bunny trying to eat my sheep and he has the voice of James Earl Jones and he’s wearing a locust costume spitting tomatoes at me! Come help me!” All the village people stopped what they were doing and ran to help scare off the Clown dog and Platypus bunny. When they got there, they were very confused. The villagers did not find a Clown dog nor a platypus bunny. And where was the shepherd girl? They were worried about her. What if the creatures had stolen the girl? They frantically began to search high and low to find her. But it seemed like one plump villager had found a Bologna and buffalo chicken sandwich which he then scarfed down. Then a villager pointed to a tree and said, “There she is over there. Is she okay?” They saw she was not hurt. In fact, she was laughing! “Oh my god I got you goo… Hey look over there… What the hell is that?!” The villagers looked behind them for a moment as the girl ran off faster than the speed of sound and she had time to escape before the villagers could notice she was gone.
The shepherd girl hardly had time to take a breath. She was laughing too hard. At breakfast the next day, the girl’s mother and father told her to be good. She nodded her head and left to tend the sheep. Soon, however, she was bored again. “Clown Dog! Clown Dog!” She shouted, louder than the day before. “A Clown Dog is stealing the sheep! Come help me!” Again the villagers came running. Again there was no Clown dog or platypus bunny in sight. This time the village people were very upset. They told the girl, “If you don’t tell people the truth all the time, they will never know when to believe you.” But because she was extremely giggly, all she could hear was ”Blah Blah Blah we’re a bunch of boring people Blah Blah Blah Blah we’re keeping you from your cartoons… Blah Blah Blah…”
The girl was still laughing at her joke. After the villagers went back to their jobs, however, she started to think about what the people had said. “Maybe,” she thought, “I need not to tell the same lie twice. Maybe try mixing it up each time. Hmmm….” The shepherd girl began walking back to her lookout post. Little did she know she was soon going to have all the excitement she could handle. Just on the other side of the explosive trees, a sly clown dog accompanied by a platypus bunny had seen everything, including the Shepherd girl’s fantasy about the magician guy and her running away from the villagers. When the shepherd reached her post, the Clown dog began stealing the sheep. The shepherd couldn’t believe her eyes. It was a real clown dog! She cried out, “Clown dog! Clown dog! A Clown dog is stealing the sheep! Come help me!”
She waited for the villagers to come running, but no one came. They weren’t going to fall for that trick again! This time, though, it was no trick. The girl tried yelling for help again, but no one came. She then turned her back, cupped her hand over her mouth and said ”Ya know for village that says they would help me they sure are doing a terrible job at it. Hmph! What a hypocritical village!” So she decided to fight the Clown dog on her own. She grabbed her staff and lured the clown dog over to where she was standing and intimidated the creature throwing out insult after insult. Boom! Pap! Pawnch! Pow! Woosh!
She fought the creature all her might and as she chopped off the head of the clown dog, she noticed something peculiar. The creature was nothing more than a mere robot! There were sparks and wires coming out of the hole where the head used to be. Its fur felt rather hard and cold as opposed to fluffy and warm. Just then the shepherd girl came face to face with the platypus bunny. She fought the creature as hard as the last one but just as she was about to finish the creature off, she saw a strange woman coming through the trees yelling ”Stop” with a remote control in her hand. The shepherd girl had stopped. And so did the platypus bunny.
“Hey, lady, what’s the problem? These creatures were trying to kill my sheep and myself for that matter! And who are you anyway?” The woman had told the shepherd girl to sit down and the woman began explaining. ”You see my fair lady…” said the woman ”I’m the all powerful narrator of this story… And when you were bored with your job, you played a nasty trick on the villagers for your own amusement! And so when you told the same lie twice I decided to send out my robotic creatures to come and bring harm to you and your flock of sheep to teach you the importance of honesty… And when you killed one of my bots you tried to kill the other… I oughta get revenge on you for that by giving you a supernatural punishment but that wouldn’t work on you at all would it?”
But apparently, the shepherd girl wasn’t around to hear my speech because when I turned around, there was only a replica of her by my side. Oh why did I make her like that? Don’t worry though, I’ll get that girl in the sequel… Just you wait, shepherd girl.
Original Finishing Date: August 2014